One week ago today....

One week ago today our lives changed forever.  I don't think we realized how much change we would go through and how difficult and emotional this journey would have been.

I really struggled with whether or not I should share this post but in the end I decided too. Many of you will never experience what we have gone through. Many here have or will (my RQ friends) in the next couple of months and so I thought it important to share some of the thoughts and emotions that we have gone through on this journey to adopt our Lily.

Let me start my saying that for the last four years my dreams have been filled with big huge chocolate brown almond shaped eyes staring at me calling me moma.  Lily (even though I did not know her yet) filled my dreams and waking moments. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was tied and connected to a little girl in China that I loved deeply. For one, I always knew I would adopt.  For the last 7 or 8 years I had hoped it would be from China . We thought about adoption before Dylan and researched it but decided that it was not the right time  - good thing because we got our little jumping bean Dylan.  When that ache came for another child I knew in my heart that we would adopt from China - I just had to get Ken on board.  After a couple of months and some serious talks he agreed.  Throught the 3.5 year wait for Lily I never doubted that I would fall instantly in love even though sometime I doubted that this would ever happen with the increasing wait time I knew I would love her with all my heart.

Fast forward from all that to the past week. After the years of research and chat g

roups I felt pretty confident that I knew what to expect. I just had to get here and hold my daughter and we would work through the rest - attachment, language barrier.  What I did not expect and what shocked me the most was my feelings.  In no way was I prepared to feel what I did which I think made it so difficult for me at the beginning.

After almost 18 hours of travel door to door we arrive at our destination in Beijing.  In the first 5 minutes we hear someone say "Where are the Beijing people - we need to talk to them there has been a change" - that was us. So, jetlagged, nervous, homesick, nasueaus and everything else, they told us that we were getting our daughter tomorrow and we had better get all our stuff done.  So off to bed we went to getup early exchange money, pack gifts, organizing endless amounts of paperwork, Lily's backpack and get ready to go to this life-changing event.

1:00 comes and we are all exhausted, competely overwhelmed, none of us had eaten properly yet and in the van we go. We get lost and drive through some of the poorest parts of the city. I know Ken is freaking and I can bearly breathe my chest is tightening I think I am going to be sick.  I honestly think if there had been a private jet waiting for us we would have run fast, hopped on and been out of there.  

We show up at the orphanage, go to several different buildings, pay the donation, go to another building, sign our life away and are told to wait.......  The four of us were silent, we didn't know what to think or do.  Then we see her - this little dollie all bundled up looking like the Michelin Muffler man in 4 layers of clothes and she starts crying and stays that way for an hour. She cries and cried.  We all get in the car with this screaming child, we are all hot, feel sick and all I can think is "What have  I done???

I then pull her over to sit on my lap, she doesn't stop crying, she smells weird (as I am sure we did to her too:), she's snotty and sweaty. A momma bear thing kicked in and I knew that as a mother I need to meet this poor child's needs. So I rocked her and hugged her all the while thinking "is this really my child because it sure doesn't feel that way?"

The next morning we woke up and went through the motions and more meetings. This was my hardest day yet. Still jet-lagged and getting a cold I pretended to be momma of this litle girl.  I thought she was super cute but I didn't love her and that's when I knew my feelings had betrayed me. I was devastated, I cried all day and felt sick. Someone would ask how I am doing and I would paste on a smile and my eyes would fill up with tears. I would go to the washroom and cry and thought I was scared to death, I just didn't feel what I thought I was supposed to be feeling. I always thought these first days together as a family would be euphoric and magical.

Over the next day or two we began to get to know her and fall in love! I can honestly say that I love her with my whole heart. I just expected it to be immediate - Love at first sight. After all, I have dreamt about loving her for so many years.

I had read and was prepared that she would not attach right away but I never once thought it would take a couple of days for us parents to attach.  I can tell you they were the most joyous days but also the most difficult days of my life.  

In one short week Lily has joined our lives and brought us much laughter and joy.  She is a beautiful little girl with A LOT of personality. She has a smile that shines and lights up the room.  We look at her and our hearts feel like they are going to burst with love.  We know that this was engineered by God above.  

We do know that there will be many challenging days ahead but with love we can conquer them all. We are so thankful and blessed that we were able to bring this little girl into our family. 

We all love you Lily!!

P.S. I just got my first kiss from Lily - I had to bribe her with a crayon but I got one!!!